Friday, February 20, 2009


I've been watching quite a lot of movies lately and part of them were stories of heroin addicts. I don't know much about drugs, but I know about breakdowns. I got in a weird mood after writing the last post and I think it was also Pink Floyd that threw me into the hole again. That black hole I've been talking about a while ago. The one I thought I was pulled out of. I think I was not. I just went up a few meters. I'm not out, but I still feel like I'm climbing. This week I wasn't in the mood for much. No going out, no serious work, no healthy living. Just movies and sleep. 'Sid and Nancy' was terrible. I loved Sean Penn in 'Milk' and I cried at 'Lilja 4-Ever'. Bunuel and Dali's 'Un chien andalou' really hooked me on, I watched it twice and I fear it's gonna haunt my dreams. 'Candy' is an Australian movie about junkies. But to me it's more about how certain things become everything to us and we'd rather go to the end of the world than give them up. Yesterday I was all feminist bitch in my head, planning on writing of white male oppression. But I think some anger bits have to be left with myself and would just make me sound silly anyway.
I went shopping for food today, but indulged in other spending as well, just to make myself happy. There are things that we do for the people we love. And we complain for never getting such things from them. Well, I can now do it all for myself. And I can admit to being self-centered. One way or another, I'll get out of the hole. I'll want to get out of bed in the morning. It was snowing again this afternoon. Snowflakes keep surprising me when I go out of the metro station. I always get in this stupid numbness mood before exams and deadlines. And I stop caring. Wrong moment each time. And now I pray I can get myself together at least tomorrow.

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