Sunday, June 5, 2011
When the spell breaks
It's really amazing how much of the reality we take as given is actually just the product of our minds. How the way people are in our heads has so much to do with subjective feelings and even the most vivid memories of them are actually edited over and over again. I've been nostalgic on several occasions over the great times I had with people from my past. And I've also made super villains out of others. But while my mind is sanctifying or damning the ones I have in my life right now, it's also cleaning up the mess from the past.
These last few years I've met some of those people. I met my on-and-off summer love from when I was really young and I finally was able to retrieve that image of his sharp lips I had been looking for in my memories. But apart from that, he just appeared as he'd always been although my mind thought it could leave those things aside: a crass unattractive man who never knew what he wanted. While in my head he was all bad-ass passionate hot guy. It was awesome while it lasted, we had our star watching nights and our make-up endless kisses, but now I know I'd never want to go back.
Well, there's also people I've vilified. I've had really close friends who continually let me down. It's maybe why I react so violently if anyone makes fun of me in public. Now I know they were just girls who wanted to lead the group power dynamics and I never fell for that. Because I always cared less about clothes and boys it didn't matter that much to me who was queen bee and why I owed her my admiration. Over and over I was criticized for being under-dressed or too outgoing and at some point you start believing you are less than if they say it for long enough. Lucky for me I met the friends I have today and they had no need to mock me for my appearance or for how I choose to live my life. They've empowered me with their trust and support and even though in so many ways we are different we share a sense of open-mindedness and a preference for substance I didn't have back then. I know I might have misunderstood those other people and I'm not saying they couldn't be awesome people right now, but it took me a while to get here. Until you stop caring it's always going to haunt you.
Talking about ghosts. Remember all that gibberish about soul mates? That's the most recent spell that broke. The one I never thought that would. It all started with a drunken afternoon that turned to night. We talked for hours and it all seemed like the good times. Just that I forgot there had never been any good times. It was all in my head. And as the night went on I kept asking myself who is this man I once swore eternal love to and why did we lie to ourselves for so long. It was obvious he was annoyed my my endless blabber. It was obvious he bore me to death. And it was obvious I no longer had any flame or sparkle left whatsoever in the dark pits of my heart when I thought of him. But when the spell broke I didn't feel empty, I felt relieved. I always knew that when I really wanted something I'd go and grab it. And for a long time I asked myself why none of us did a decisive step towards fulfilling what we were dreaming about. So then I knew our minds had been playing tricks. We were never star-struck lovers. We just met at very vulnerable points in our lives and it all got swollen in time, all that feeling of abandonment and the hope that the other could keep it away. He can't. I can't. Not for one another. We're whole persons by ourselves now and the spell has been broken.
And these are not isolated cases. I live a lot within myself. There is a whole parallel world inside my head. And there's even one more in my dreams. Like replicas from another dimension. Just twisted. Sometimes it gets quiet. And I worry a bit. But I never get bored. I write letters to people and build alternative scenarios. I can cook in my head and I can walk mountain paths and there's really a lot that happens when I'm showering or riding the bus. So no wonder people live in my head as well. And some I really want to kick out when they hurt me, but I know I've made lots of room for them there and I don't want to let it go to waste. But sometimes there are black holes. And it all gets sucked out. To some other dimension, some sort of paper shredder. I get to come at peace with the wars I've been fighting in my head or I get to discard some stories that obsess me. But once the spell breaks it's gone for good.