Thursday, June 9, 2011

Late night wallowing

It's this huge sadness. This fear and distress and numbness at the same time. It's this damn thing that won't go away. The damn feeling that something's missing. I know it's the stress building up. The thesis and the applications and the job and the thoughts about the future that are paralyzing me. Making me think about whether it's worth it. Whether it's worth all the movies I didn't see, all the naps I didn't take, all the books I didn't read, all the people I didn't meet, all the places I haven't seen. And there's something more I've missed and promised myself I won't talk about. I'm tired of waiting and tired of being tired. Yeah, yeah, you can't always get what you want. But I did. And I'm not sure it's what I pictured it would be. It's fun most times. And it's easy. And there's so much in my life that wasn't and isn't easy that I needed the break. But I miss complicated. I miss it sometimes because it comes with perks. But I know I don't really want it. Funny how when I start writing about it I make sense. Funny how I know I was right. And I still don't want to be right. I'm happy. I break rules from time to time. But mostly the right ones. And from time to time I get sad just like now. I know exactly what I'm missing, I know I don't really want it back. But I still have to fight the temptation from time to time. To say it straightforward, I miss being in love. I hear all these love songs and no scent or face or voice comes to my head anymore. For a long time now. And I miss it. And from time to time I'd take chances, just for a second there. But there's nobody out there I'd take a chance on. Cause maybe if there was it wouldn't be called taking a chance. I'd just dive heads in. I miss that too. It all piles up on nights like this when I've had a drink too many. And I scramble my brains and there's no great love I can find in my heart. And I bounce my head to the walls and there's no potential someone who could sweep me off my feet. It's so annoying. I know it's a tailored desire. I know I'm being pushed from one side or the other. I know I'm like a teenager thinking that if all my friends do it, why don't I. It should've gone away by now. But it's still there. That huge hope in someone good and strong to make it all worth it. And I know it's tailored as well. But I'm afraid it's never coming my way. And I know it's not the worst thing that could happen. But I want it and I'm used to getting what I want. But this isn't something I can just make happen for myself. Wouldn't be the same.

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