Monday, June 13, 2011
Today I was supposed to submit my thesis for my teacher's review. The final submission to the faculty starts in a couple of days and ends in a week. I have squat. I mean, I have the structure all laid out, I have most of the gibberish I want to talk about, but I have to polish it over and over and I have to write my analysis, which is supposed to be the most important part. I work very slow and I know it's because I'm lazy and would do anything not to go through this kind of work anymore. And still, I'm doing it in order to do this kind of work again for the next at least three years. But I've come to realize a PhD is just the natural next step in my pursuit of academic achievement. And it's not so much about the title, but about wanting to be close to an environment where I can grow and eventually work in bad-ass social research.
I know I can do this, but I also know I'm doing it in the worst possible way, indulging myself to a few of the things I would do if it wasn't for the thesis and pushing pushing pushing the damn deadline. It's all my fault. I started reading for it in January, but was too busy watching stuff all day and sleeping to actually put some words down too. Anyway, it's gonna get done. But I fear it's gonna get done CEU style. Like writing a full chapter hours before submission. As long as it gets done and I get away with it, it's fine by me.
Of course I'm in that painful maze again where I can see the sky and the birdies and I can even see through the fence and what's waiting for me out there is an awesome summer. Even if I only do the simple things, like hang out at the cabin with my parents and go away for a weekend to some festival with my friends. Now I have a different mindset and better means to have all the fun I want. But for now I'm stuck walking around this paper, counting words and pages, references running through my head like movie credits, oh, and if it only was towards the end.
There's huge writing I have to do these next couple of days. And huge cleaning around the house. And not so much work at the newspaper, but still time-consuming. And all I actually wanna do is walk around and read in the park, invite people out for ice cream or beer, cook and well, just enjoy myself. Today I'm only gonna work till noon, because I have some appointments and then I'm going shopping with my mom. Who is not at all concerned about my thesis. She's seen me pull this twice and has no sympathy for my slothfulness. So why not? It's not like I ever really work after 5 pm. Maybe slowly taking the edge off will eventually help. If not the deadline will do the trick.