Sunday, March 27, 2011
I now know
I don't really believe any of that stuff I said or was told by others. Like the fact that there's plenty of people who wish me the worst because I didn't deliver in their lives and that's why things aren't looking up for me. Or the fact that I push people away because I don't believe I deserve their trust and affection. Or that we only get a limited amount of love and mine has run out.
I actually know that I got just what I wished for. When my last committed relationship was over I wanted a few years off. To figure out what I actually liked. Where I wanted to go in life. Who I was when all other variables are constant. And I'm not even half way there yet. But what I do know for sure is that I'm where I'm supposed to be and that somewhere deep inside I still believe in love and that it's never too late.
I'm moving through the five stages of grief. It's not so much about the death of my dating years as the burial of the that void of personality and character and perspective for myself as an individual. I've been through denial, trying to hook up with boys I used to dream about or those who were trying to lend a helping hand. And it didn't work out, because it was not what I was looking for. I've been through anger, bitching about everyone and everything and making innocent people feel bad about themselves just so that I could get the edge off. I've been through bargaining, trying on relationships with people who I knew didn't fit me, but could maybe give me an idea of what I want. I've been through depression, giving up on the idea that faith or humanity or myself had anything left to love. And I guess now I'm growing into acceptance, realizing I am an amazing person even taken separately and that we all are once we put on the right goggles.
But mostly, I know I'm almost into a new phase, which is evolution. Where I've already assumed the lessons learned so far and will actually be making baby steps towards the future I imagine for myself. A future where I can let someone in, as a partner and a trusted friend, and not be afraid to reveal myself to them, nor change my way or the things I enjoy just to make them love me more. A future where I can be loved for who I am and not who I could or would've been, where I am a person and not a hypothesis I create in my head.