Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Somewhere over the rainbow

I still don't like the banner, but I can live with the hope I'll be able to get some amazing forest photos this autumn so I can change it. That's what I live on nowadays. Hopes. And dreams of being free. Free from all the CEU bullshit. Because I'm not done with my thesis and I should be by Thursday. And I can't write. I just can't. I'd do anything but. I know it takes self-discipline. But while hating myself so much for staring at the screen and not writing, I feel like it's the too much love I have for myself that allows me to indulge in such laziness. Anybody out there reading this, say a little prayer for me, so that on Friday I'll be submitting these chains in Budapest and finally just be.
After coming back home I've started to realize more and more that all my M.A. year has been a delay of where I'll be getting now. Being afraid I won't get my diploma, I cannot feel its value added to my life. Except for the wonderful people I've been around, I guess I did hate it most of the times but was too proud to admit to myself that something I wanted so bad could go so wrong. I missed out on some employment opportunities by going away and now I'll probably be jobless for another half year at least. I want to go to the same master's I would've done last year, so it's like I just exited a time loop. Just one year older, extremely exhausted and tied up to a paper I never wanted to write. Not to mention my body is all screwed up because of the sedentary life and bad bad diet.
I am thrilled to be back home. In a weird way, I like living with my parents and having them breathe down my neck when I have work to do, asking questions about where I'm going or just reminding me of how I'm always annoyed by something and that I should stop. I like being taken care of, as much tough love that implies. I've started seeing people I've missed for so long and there are more I need to call (if only I were done with that stupid paper) and it is rather comforting to see how we've all started to move at different paces from some moment in time.
This summer I went to two weddings and it felt wonderful to dress up and have people tell me how I've grown so so pretty. I went hiking and when I came home the sky was no longer wide enough here and all I wanted to do was pack and move back to a tent at over 2000 meters. I went to see my grandparents and help out in the garden, pick fruits and play with children, met my childhood friends and amazed at how much we did actually grow up. Well, at least some of us. I went out and had shots and made all the wrong decisions and damn it was exciting. I went on late night walks and found a swing that's not too small for me and a boy who would never forget to show me the moon. Life is beautiful out there, beyond my stupid dissertation. As soon as I'm done, I can go back to feeling the magic. I can go dancing and wait for the sunrise, hell, it's open season soon.

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