Saturday, July 18, 2009

Midday soulsearching

The more I think I know who I am, the less helpful that is. At my age my mother had a family and a job. My friends were still in school. I'm somewhere in the middle. I'll be taking a break from school (although I'll probably apply for an M.A. when I get home) and looking for a job. I'm maybe the only one not trying to move towards something better or greater, but just heading towards different. Maybe it's because of all the moving around as a child that I long so much for a place of my own. I enjoy my solitude and maybe I'm just going in the wrong direction, a few years away from becoming the crazy cat lady. Some of my friends think I should've applied to PhD. My grandparents wish I had a well-paid job and settled. But settling is the last thing on my mind now. I've done most of it and none of it seems appealing to me right now. I know I should be growing up, but I still feel like a teenager. There are lots of causes I support, but I ain't fighting any of them. There are things I like, but I'm not good at any of them. Hell, I can watch a great movie in the same day with a chick flick. I've been reading less of what I like and more of what I had to and even though I like the latter, I can't talk to people about it. People I have conversations with are either dull (most of them) or I am dull to them. I'm a party animal when I go out, but I seldom get to do that lately. There is nothing mine about me. Except for my time alone. So maybe I'm not going where I should be going, but I'm more likely moving somewhere where I can keep being happy.

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