Sunday, January 1, 2017

In 2017 I'm an island

The more 2016 progressed, the more my anxiety grew. I'm now not sure whether I have heart problems or just a very fucked up manifestation of that anxiety. The first day of holiday - bam! I have left side chest pains and pains in my left arm. The ER says my life is not in any danger but they can't put a finger on whatever it really is.
The thing is, I am aware my anxiety has now reached a new peak. I no longer find it strange I worry about things because semi-consciously I think if I don't those things can happen. Well, I know for sure they can also happen if I worry so that gives me even more to worry about. Yeah. But that's just the light part.
I've been worrying about the future, but worrying for my life and safety, not just if I graduate or pay my bills. It's all in the light of recent international events. My life has been great. 2016 was a great year for me. Doing the work I like, traveling a lot, being married to the man I love, seeing my friends and having a good relationship with family, having a nice home and an increasing income and upward professional career, and I've been pretty healthy as well. But I'm terrified as fuck because now I have all these things to lose.
I'm making myself sick with all this worrying and fuck this shit I'm done with caring and following what goes on in the world. My husband is serene. He does his thing, he thinks about the bridge when he gets to it and generally he does what he feels like doing and it's a recipe for success in his life. He gets shit done and is happy. But I read the news, I follow the economy, I stress about nuclear war and financial depression and cancer. And I can't really do much about most of these things. The factors are so many and the mechanisms so complex, I can't even grasp let alone handle them.
So this year my resolution is to not give a fuck. I will do my things. But I will be an island. Fuck I'll dig that moat as deep and wide as I can. How? Well, no more TV. Today we got Netflix. Star Trek, cooking shows, crime series, that's all the TV I'll get. I'll try to stay off Facebook. As much as I can. I want to enforce a no Facebook at home rule. And even when I do go there, I'm unfollowing all bearers of bad news. However much I love them. Generally, I'll try that for most social media.
But I'll try to hang on to this blog. Because I need focus. And I want to focus on the stuff I care about  inside my castle - books, cooking, games, staying healthy. These things I'll need to keep me busy. In 2016 I've had too much time to worry and think about shit. I have podcasts and budgets and people to see. I have kilometers to run and swim and weights to lift. I have learning and writing to do.
This is the real fucking world. This is where I live every day and I don't even look at it because I live in my head. I want to take up bird watching. And bird feeding. And go hiking again. What the fuck point is it to worry about the nuclear winter if I can't really enjoy right now the stuff it would wipe out (here it goes again). But really, look. This is the real fucking world and I intend to live in it. As an island. I want to know my island and love my island and enjoy it. I want to get strong and fast and handy and fearless.
In the end, this is what I'm after. This amazing freedom that comes with peace of mind and being able to set aside, chase away fear. I used to work in the news. Not anymore. I now research people who grow things - food and life. And I intend to do the same. And if it takes a lot of shoveling to get me going, if it takes some horse glasses to finally see what's right in front of me, dammit, I owe myself to pull up my sleeves and go to work.

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