Thursday, May 16, 2013

Tempting faith

Yesterday, I said, couldn't have gone worst. Well, it could, and the universe chose to gives me just a taste of it. During a conversation with friends, I was bragging about how I make back-up plans in my head for different situations, like if they set me up and I go to jail, or if I lose everything that keeps me in this town. You know, stuff I also muse about in here. And then I said. But what happens if my life stays the same? Why don't I do great things right now? (And I answered it's because I'm too busy being awesome).
So, crash, boom, bang! The goddess thought she should give me a lesson. And she did. Both the cat and I went to bed scared and bewildered, the main diference being I was also guilt tripping. At least I didn't have any nightmares. But I'm learning, cause it's plain and simple. I'll have to be more careful about the things that I want and the things I let people think I want. The first thing: I need to invest more in the ones I really want. Give them time and discipline and cultivate them. The second thing: things I would like, but don't really want, well, I should just make the difference early on and not act upon them ever, cause there must be a reason they didn't graduate to desires. And a third thing: I need to learn to let go. Of things and people and life choices that no longer make me happy or suit me.
The last thought I had before I fell asleep was that I buy clothes and food I don't need immedialy, but I want them in order to create an array of choices for myself. I do the same thing with people. I hang around people who make me unconfortable or who I don't have any respect for just because I want to have a choice when I go out. That is a stupid thing to do. Lately, I haven't been to at least one of these outings and think to myself when I get home: Wow, that was good for me, I had fun and I learned stuff. OK, I'm exaggerating, there have been a few, but those were with my close friends, like it happened last evening. I was talking about the clutter. The parties that take both time and money for basically nothing, cause I enjoyed myself more at Jazz Day than in any of our bachic experiences.
There goes that. I keep telling myself I have to quit these things and stop indulging these people. That I can replace their presence with all the wonders the world lays at my feet. I only fail at discipline. I fail when I want to be miserable, when I want to crawl somewhere and hide. I need a new strategy for miserable. It should include baking and crazy ol' blues. It should include cheering myself up with flowers and needlework. Not beers and people I should do without. Parties are for when I'm cheerful and rested and surrounded by people I actually want in my life.

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