Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Forever stumbling

This morning, when I was walking to work, I thought to myself "I have it all". I have a job I like most days, a place of my own, a good education, great friends, and now a boyfriend who makes me happy. But then, along the way, I got inexplicably sad. And I've been trying to shake that sadness all day. I think it's again because I somehow feel I should be doing more for the things I have. Preferably, I should be perfect. But being a more committed journalist would do. And finally getting to decorate my place and maybe clean more often. And really be there for my friends, no matter what I'm doing at the moment. And write my damn project proposal for PhD. And not suck at being a girlfriend. And as much as I regret being too lazy to work on these things, there's still people who think I'm wasting myself away with them.

My mother thinks I should be looking for some sort of husband material. And my peers think I should continue my studies abroad. And some of my friends think I should do better for myself than a low-paying newspaper job. And so on and so forth. But what do "I" want? I pretty much like what I've got.
I love plans, but I don't have a five year plan and I don't even have a one year plan. I don't know where all this is going and I wish I knew, but so far I know I've done my best. I didn't do the best job I could do and I wasn't perfect at any of these. But given the context and everything coming together, considering the things I've been through and the ways I chose to handle them, I think I did good. All right, I didn't do my best. But I did good. And I'm still tired and I still need a break and I can't do my best for all of these things, cause that would mean not doing my best for myself. Not giving myself a break. Not telling myself it's not a tragedy if I screw up sometimes. Not allowing myself to have fun once in a while. So I may not have direction and I may not have a constant pace. I may forever stumble, but I get places and I get shit done. I know I'll do better for myself. But Rome wasn't built in a day.

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