Horror happiness

I'm so ill, my neck feels like a watermelon. When I try to speak, it's as if someone stuck his fingers down my throat. I'm on the edge of another night of fever and it's funny how I can see clear now. I can look in the mirror wearing my "you lucky bitch" grin. Every time I get sick, I become as optimistic as nobody who knows my drama queen scenarios would ever picture me. I eat healthier, I drink tons of tea, I work, read, organize and clean as never before. I take times to rest and to meditate. I stop with the worries and the complaints. It's as if I become a better person over night. The truth is... this time it might not be the sickness. Maybe the fever just made me lose my grip. I just know the black hole is indeed away. And sometimes the best thing that can make me crawl out is physical breakdown or physical ecstasy or both.