Girls and women

I shared Laurie Penny's article last week on Facebook, highlighting a paragraph that appealed to me in particular, especially at that point in my life: "It’s definitely easier to be a girl than it is to do the work of being a grown woman, especially when you know that grown women are far more fearful to the men whose approval seems so vital to your happiness. And yet something in me was rebelling against the idea of being a character in somebody else’s story. I wanted to write my own."
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between the two, but also about how much the TV show Girls reflects experiences that many of us, even on the other side of the ocean, live through in our mid twenties. I like to call these years the quarter life crisis, because that's the general feeling I've been living with: a constant interogation about where I'm going and why my trajectory is so different from that of my parents, and the one they taught me I should have, for that matter.
But going back to Girls (I've been obsessed with watching the two seasons for a second time, since I have so much school work to do), I saw this caption a few days ago and I almost cried. It was about when Hannah asked Adam "If you don't like ice cream, what do you like?" and he answered "I like you". I mean, who says that?

I really wish I could say my Adam turned into that guy who "was always here". I wish at least one of my Adams did. But in my experience, it doesn't work like that. A guy who doesn't respect you and only sees you as a random hook up will not wake up one day and say "You chase me like I’m in the fucking Beatles for six months and then when I finally get comfortable with things, you wanna shrug?" He will not go and tell people "I had this girlfriend who at first I didn’t like very much, or, I didn’t take her very seriously, I guess. She just seemed like, you know, a piece of ass. But she was persistent, man. And she just hung around, and hung around, and showed up at my place—and gradually, it started to feel better when she was there. It wasn’t “love” the way I imagined it. I just felt weird if I didn’t know what she was up to or whatever. And I liked knowing that she was just gonna be there, and warm, and staying the night." That. never. happens. to. me.
But generally, if we look closer, Girls is a simulacrum for what becoming a woman means to some of the people of our generation. We learn from Marnie's self-searching adventure, we learn from Hannah's self-abandonment chaos, from Shoshanna's rants and mostly from Jessa, who is her own brand of charming. I think that no matter how much we grow up, we'll always be vulnerable to our desires, especially to those we cannot explain. And at the end of the day, we should just own it.

Birthday wishlist. Second edition

 Now, you might remember last year's birthday wishlist. These things seem to work in the long run. I bought most of the stuff on that list, but it doesn't really matter , they're still presents :D I was going to write a post on how I'm on a freaking rollercoaster lately, but my friends keep bugging me to write the list. Truth be told, this year I want less stuff and more... well,, things you cannot buy. So here it goes.

1. A great party
I want to finally be able to say, wow, my birthday this year was fun. Especially since all the ages from here to 35 are like second on my "ages I hate" list (23 still sucks the most). So I want people to not despise each other on my birthday, to drink and be merry. I want them to wear the stupid princess paper tiaras I'll bring. I will not take no for an answer. I want them to eat my muffins, I'm obviously baking for my own birthday, duuh. And I'm thinking about spicy. And generally, I want to feel at home and at peace and leave that damn party with a smile on my face.
2. An OK on my PhD report
Yep. I have to present my PhD first research report right on my birthday. Needless to say, I am way behind and I know I will panic and I will eventually turn something in. But I want it to be fine, I wanna start my third year and I really wish people will be supportive and help me from now on with my paper. I really wanted this degree and now I want it even more because I can't wait to move on.
3. Another tattoo
I know the last one has just healed, but I really really have my mind set on this awesome kitty/jolly roger idea, where I will use Emily Strange's Sabbath's head as an inspiration. The crossed bones are definitely a must. I'm thinking the interior of my right foot. That's because no matter how many people in my life will want her gone, my kitty will always be one of my centers of balance.
4. Dr. Martens
There had to be shoes on this list. Thing is I went with my friend to the shop to get a pair and they didn't have his size. Instead, I found my dream pair I had been staring at for a while. So I'm buying them. When I'm done with my report. To congratulate myself.
5. New (ear)rings
I want to change my ear and belly piercing jewelry with some simple rings with a ball. The tiniest ones, with that stupid ball I can never get in. It's silly, but these are the things on my mind when I think about going around getting myself stuff. But I never do, because I'm a lazy bastard.
6. Llosa
Yes, apart from shoes, there also had to be books on this list. I've been buying myself Rushdie and Joseph Conrad and goddess knows what, but I've been yearning to follow up on my readings of Llosa, epecially after his visit to my city and the wonderful speech he gave.
7. A mix tape
Seriously, I never ever know what to listen to. And I also think a mix tape is something personal, that one person gives another to convey a message, to strenghten a bond. The last mix tape (OK, CD) I got was in my first year of college. It would be nice to have somebody put together a set of songs for me, that would take some commitment and I could use some of that lately.

Womanifesto

(I'm one year behind with this, I know. But it just feels I'm at that moment when I need to reassert by beliefs and self-love and put everything down so I can come back to them when in doubt. This is my womanifesto.)

I own myself and my happiness.
I choose whether to be happy or sad, not the people around me, not the things that happen to me.
I do not owe anybody to be happy, to look healthy or to be perfect.
I am whiny and bitchy, I get lazy and am a mess, but it's all me and I love it.
I will not measure my success by outside standards.
I am not worth how much money I make. I am not worth how beautiful people think I am.
I believe in education and I want to keep learning for the rest of my life.
I believe in stability, but I will pull my anchor and move on when I choose to.
I believe in food, in its comforting and educational potential.
My body will be a reflection of me and not some farfetched standards others will project upon me.
My clothes will be my costumes and I will play any character I'd like any given day.
My tattoos are a part of me and even more. My tattoos empower me.
My cat is an extension of me. Her love is the only constant in my life.
My career will be kindness. No matter how I make a living, I will strive to be kind.
My love is not unconditional. I will not give it to those who don't want or abuse it.
My choice and pleasure will surpass social convention and others' expectations.
I am not moral, incorruptible, honest or humble. I am human and I make mistakes.
I cherish my life experience, my family and my true friends. I am here because of them.
I will allow myself to be overwhelming, embarassing, shameless and crazy.
I will love myself for all the things I am. And I will change whenever I feel like.
I will be selfish. And empathic to the verge of stupid. It is not a contradiction.
At the end of the day, it's just me. And I love it.

Feels like the first time

Today I got my third tattoo. It's considerably larger that the others and it's really powerful, in my opinion. So I've been staring at it ever since I got home and I keep thinking "I love it so much" and "it's better than what I imagined", but also "mom will freak" and "I'll meet a guy I like who'll hate me for my tattoos". But you know what? Nothing compares to this overwhelming feeling that I'm becoming more of myself. That it's always been there and it's just come to light. And what's really amazing about a bigger tattoo is that it makes me feel like I own my body. Not my parents, not men, not society. I do. And I can make it any species of beauty I want to. It's mine 24/7 and every time I take a shower or see myself in the mirror, I am so excited. I know I will get more over time, and I let almost an year in between them pass, so that I know for sure. But the longing is always there. There is so much more beauty to bring tolight and so many more stories to tell. It actually makes me wish that I took better care of my body. That I kept it fit and ate healthy, so that my skin glow and firmness would actually frame my tattoos better. I was lucky to find a very nice artist, who works fast and well, and who spent a lot of time deciding with me what we'll be doing exactly. I want to post photos of the first part, the outlines, only when it's healed, so a week from now. In a month, I'm going for color. I can't even imagine the magic he'll do with old school colouring!

Tempting faith

Yesterday, I said, couldn't have gone worst. Well, it could, and the universe chose to gives me just a taste of it. During a conversation with friends, I was bragging about how I make back-up plans in my head for different situations, like if they set me up and I go to jail, or if I lose everything that keeps me in this town. You know, stuff I also muse about in here. And then I said. But what happens if my life stays the same? Why don't I do great things right now? (And I answered it's because I'm too busy being awesome).
So, crash, boom, bang! The goddess thought she should give me a lesson. And she did. Both the cat and I went to bed scared and bewildered, the main diference being I was also guilt tripping. At least I didn't have any nightmares. But I'm learning, cause it's plain and simple. I'll have to be more careful about the things that I want and the things I let people think I want. The first thing: I need to invest more in the ones I really want. Give them time and discipline and cultivate them. The second thing: things I would like, but don't really want, well, I should just make the difference early on and not act upon them ever, cause there must be a reason they didn't graduate to desires. And a third thing: I need to learn to let go. Of things and people and life choices that no longer make me happy or suit me.

The last thought I had before I fell asleep was that I buy clothes and food I don't need immedialy, but I want them in order to create an array of choices for myself. I do the same thing with people. I hang around people who make me unconfortable or who I don't have any respect for just because I want to have a choice when I go out. That is a stupid thing to do. Lately, I haven't been to at least one of these outings and think to myself when I get home: Wow, that was good for me, I had fun and I learned stuff. OK, I'm exaggerating, there have been a few, but those were with my close friends, like it happened last evening. I was talking about the clutter. The parties that take both time and money for basically nothing, cause I enjoyed myself more at Jazz Day than in any of our bachic experiences.
There goes that. I keep telling myself I have to quit these things and stop indulging these people. That I can replace their presence with all the wonders the world lays at my feet. I only fail at discipline. I fail when I want to be miserable, when I want to crawl somewhere and hide. I need a new strategy for miserable. It should include baking and crazy ol' blues. It should include cheering myself up with flowers and needlework. Not beers and people I should do without. Parties are for when I'm cheerful and rested and surrounded by people I actually want in my life.

Holiday outline. Meh

As long as I don't spend my time on social networks, I am batshit crazy about my life. Then the stupid snake I carry inside since childhood whispers in my ears and compares me to others - I should do this or that, be one way or another, own all sorts of stuff or whatever else I like about their lives and may want for myself. It could be constructive. It's not. Unless we're talking about people I have no connection to whatsoever, like whatever is posted on Pinterest. I don't want *those* shoes, it just makes me think about things I can use to create the looks I like. Whatever, I don't even know why I brought this up. I'm just realizing I'm so intense about so many little things, I consume myself before I get to the ones that really matter. I didn't even feel that yesterday was just one day. It felt like three, for some reason, even though all I did was read, watch Poirot and cook and bake with my mother. And that's also because of the damned social media.
A week of my holiday is gone, there's almost only two days left (though I'm sure Tuesday will be a pretty relaxed day at work). I did a lot of stuff. On Saturday I visited my grandma and went to the cemetery to lay flowers for all those who passed. It was a beautiful day and I dare say it wasn't a sad occasion. We remembered them with joy in our hearts. On  Sunday I visited a friend and saw another play. The reviews I read were pretty bad, so I didn't go with high expectations. I was pleasantly surprised. I liked the construction, most of the acting, the rhythm and the twist. I have to start going to the Hungarian theatre as well, I've seen some hot stuff on the schedule.
Monday was a day for movies, there was a Romanian film week at the cinema in the city. I particularly enjoyed Alexandru Maftei's bitter sweet comedy, if there were no people around me I would have cried like a mountain spring, but it left me with so much peace of mind. Later on, I went with a friend to check out the music at this new rock party they're planning on Mondays, and the theme was supposed to be glam. We were bored to death, had a beer and moved on. The next day I decided pretty much at the last moment to attend the International Jazz Day concert. and I'm happy I did. Again, I found peace where I least expected. Walking home through the park that night, I felt like humming.
I spent the 1st of May with the family in the mountains. When we got there it was kinda raining, but it's not like we ever take the weather there seriously. The next day it was beautiful, I read a lot and sunbathed with one of our dogs there. Yesterday we made cakes and colored the eggs. I was so happy to see they had stickers and I enjoyed myself a lot decorating the eggs and creating scenarios. They didn't need me today in the kitchen, but I went anyway, to check out the proceedings. Tonight I have to attend the midnight mass, otherwise my mom will yell about it for a week. At least there's my brother around to bitch about stuff.
So yeah, I'm planning a super low profile Easter. It's not like I consider holidays to be the highlight of my time. Actually, they're breaks from the stuff I actually do. And it's so funny to see people get tans and new clothes for a family lunch and maybe a party somewhere. I can't really explain it, but it feels petty and pathetic. But here I go again comparing myself to others. Blogs must be part of the same evil conspiration :P

Swollen

I slept for ten straight hours and woke up with a swollen face and some swollen sinuses. Also, tired like a mill horse and permanently on a mental screen saver. We'll be working on four newspapers this couple of days, so I might be incomunicado. All I want is for everything to turn out fine so that I can finally have my vacation. A ten day vacation! They say it's gonna rain, but I don't give a damn. I need some regrouping, resetting and time out of the city. I know I always say I need to get my shit together. Repeated trials may eventually lead to success. I bought Palahniuk's Phoenix from Amazon and I already know how I'm spending today's free time, except for sleeping and eating crazy things, of course. Here's something to brighten your morning to the dim level mine is lit.