Fall off the edge

"I mean, could the people who control all the money and politics ever invent a scarier warning? Didn't these same science experts used to say the earth was flat? Wasn't it really important we should stay at home and be peasants and slaves or we'd fall off the edge?"

Neddy Nelson (Party Crasher) in Chuck Palahniuk, Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey (2007)

Rant

This post is long overdue. But last evening, on my way back home I was thinking about Palahniuk's characters and how uncomfortable they can be, yet in the end they soothe my feelings of inadequcy and actually reamp my will to fight. Because Madison in Damned and Daisy St. Patience in Invisible Monsters and Rant Casey in Rant and Tender Branson in Survivor and Victor Mancini in Choke are basically walking disasters, each of them has something really fucked up about them. But they are somehow involutarily screwed. Most of them had been groomed or ignored into who they became by their parents, and Freud seldom sleeps in Chuck's novels. Actually, most of his main characters are unwilling participants into something greater than themselves, and this is the case also with Lullaby, Diary, Haunted and, of course, Fight Club. They get sucked into this great scheme of things, where they are underdogs and victims and sometimes heroes for a while, either it's hell after comminting suicide, or an initiatic journey, or Party Crashing, or becoming a religious celebrity, or being a sex addict, or a huge art insurance scheme, or murderous black magic, or a writer's retreat turned slaughterhouse or, well, Fight Club. And then, when your world and theirs are all upside down, they rise above. In one way or another, there's something about most of Chuck's protagonists that makes them famous or delivers them from their wretched lives or turns them into modern-day Jesuses. And it's something entirely of their own. It's their courage or their innocence, their pure desire to fix things, to survive and beat evil, their need to save and be saved, to transform a life of pain and boredom and retarded social labels into something meaningful. They may be ugly, disabled, addicts, slaves, outcasts and whimps, but they each have one specific something (even stemming from their flaws) that takes them to greatness, in some form of it or another. It doesn't always mean salvation, but it does most of the times mean catharsis. I think if Chuck wasn't so effervescent, if he didn't use so many facts, if he didn't make me think "I see what you did there" every few pages, if he didn't awe and amuse and turn stomachs quite so much, I'd still love him most of all my Chucks just because his books would leave me with a wicked aftertaste, somewhere between fucked up and good.

Globetrotting tastebuds I: Chicken Tikka Masala

OK, just so you know, I didn't follow the recipe entirely, so one may argue it's not a full-blown tikka. However, I've had this at Indian restaurants and I vouch it's the same taste an texture... fine, mine is better! :) One way I strayed from the original recipe is I didn't use Garam Masala. Instead, I used two different curry mixtures, one mild and one hot, which together have the masala spices anyway and add a little something as well. I found them at Auchan, and there's plenty more where these came from. I intend to catch 'em all.
At some point I was cooking on three fires, so it's been hectic, but I managed to slip that last drop of Shiraz I had around while I was working and I think it helps with the focus :P. So, first I sliced the chicken meat I had from that Asian soup last week, I kept the legs and breasts. I also sliced some extra chicken breast, because obviously half a home grown bird was not enough for three portions. I fried all that in a wok for 10 minutes, while I chopped a red onion, six (home grown, so smaller) garlic cloves and three (dried up, but I recommend fresh) hot peppers. Added all that to the meat, with a spoon of chopped ginger and fried for another 5 minutes. I then added a cup of (also home-made) tomato juice and two spoons of each curry powder, as well as one of paprika. I let it boil for a while and added a cup of chicken broth.
While it was all boiling in the covered wok (for like 20 minutes) I boiled the rice as well. I am too poor (and cheap, I admit) to buy Panzani's wild Basmati rice (as soon as I find a cheaper thing, I'll get it), so I used some long grain rice. It was good enough and pretty tasty too. Towards the end, I strayed again from the initial recipe and added 200g of cooking cream instead of fat yoghurt. My tomato juice was already sour enough and I wanted a silkier texture. It was a good choice :) I ate like there's no tomorrow and can't wait for the next time I have that on my plate. I'll also soon be checking out Indigo, the local Indian restaurant, because I miss the really wonderful naan bread and mango chutney and what not.

When nobody's watching

Here's my latest post on Mischievous Sweethearts. I hope we can revive our soulsearching loveable blog again, because I miss musing around there with my friend. Also, I'm thinking we can have a guest post from the babe.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fact that I haven't been concerned with my spiritual self for a couple of years now. Yes, I've been praying for these past few months, but my prayers are actually therapy. I count my blessings and wish really hard for the people in my life to stay healthy and happy and maybe sometimes I want a thing or two for myself as well. But it's more like a list to Santa, a hint to the universe as to what I want from life. However, I have not been concerned with findind that quiet place inside anymore. That one moment that lasts forever when I'm nothing and everything at the same time. That pursuit has been a great part of my life and my dreams for as far as I can remember. And I've lost it, I let it go, somehow I wondered in a darker place. I remember saying I'm angry all the time for no reason, I remember people telling me I've become so self-centered... when I was actually anything but centered.

The truth is I've been playing so many parts I've lost count and sometimes I get them wrong, and sometimes the masks overlap and it's a mess. I've worked so hard to be a good student and a good daughter and a good girlfriend, I never had time to actually be good AT something... and to actually be a good person. I feel like I wasn't good at my job or studies, I rarely genuinely wanted to do something for the sake of it. I was just so great at playing those parts because I needed the validation. Psichology says we have two main types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic. And the latter comes from the inside and in the long run gives us a higher level of satisfaction. Well, most of my motivation was extrinsic. It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy stuff. It means I did it for the sake of others and the rewards that come with it. I played the parts that were expected of me. And when I got tired of it I got wasted until I didn't know who I was anymore. I sometimes envy actors. Off stage, when they take off the make up, they must be so tired of being somebody else, of having their whole bodies live another life for an hour or two, that they can actually be their true selves. But then again, plumbers fix their own pipes as well and chefs cook their own dinners sometimes.
The thing is... I don't need to find who I am, it's not about that anymore. I need to start living more AS myself. I sometimes wonder how people can still stay innocent or passionate or dreamy at 30 and I think it's because they can separate themselves from all the crazy exterior numbing crap. I do that too, but out of habit, I sing in the street and I dance around the house and I dream on the bus. But once I can consciously truly go back there, to my place inside of genuine peace and joy, to restore my faith and see the world as a river, well, only then I'll be able to be every single day the person I am when nobody's watching.

All new

Yay! Yesterday I was really nervous about the outcome of trying a new thing and I'm happy to say it turned out allright. It's my hair. I didn't want to bleach it and I couldn't possibly imagine how to get the layers of red and black out of it without having to cut it to a bob. Then my friend told me about Color B4 and, after weeks of pondering, I eventually ordered it on eBay. I then waited another week to get my spirits up and really do it. The truth is I didn't have my hopes up. And it's not a spectacular result. But I'm back to my natural color, more or less, with a tint of ginger. I had some red highlights, bleached underneath, which I'm happy were not completely discolored, but have also a lighter shade of ginger. I'm obviously coloring it in a week or two, because I want a full, eterogeneous color. Something very close to my natural one, as I don't want to be bothered with coloring this summer and I want it to naturally adapt to the sun and water and so on. Until then, I have to do some conditioning treatments, as the color removal has left my hair slightly porous. Oh well, at least it came out as I wanted and all that money didn't go down the drain.
While I was waiting for the smelly stuff to do its thing and shrink the color molecules, I had a frozen pizza I bought from Lidl. I was surprised it was really tasty and the ingredients had nothing weird and chemical about them. I was a bit disappointed when I got home and realized it had some green stuff on it, but it wasn't broccoli! I hate broccoli. It was spinach, instead, and spinach I love, courtesy of Popeye, my chilhood sweetheart :) I also got from the supermarket a bouquet of pink tulips. They are so beautiful and lighten my day. Having flowers in my kitchen (having a cat doesn't give me much option as to where to put the flowers) also motivated me to do the mountain of dishes and clean up. I was going to do that when I cook the tikka (I know, it's been a week, but my parents keep bringing me food).
I got to ski one last time, the slope was perfect this weekend. However, while I was super excited on Sunday, the teleski broke down and we had to climb our way back to the car carrying the equipment. Talk about working out! Still, I've been feeling sort of sick and sort of tired these past few days and I've passed on some opportunities to go out with friends and listen to classical music. I'm trying to get myself back together, because life never seems to stop and wait for me and there is so much to do. I just hope we get a really long holiday for Easter, like a week or so, and then I'll just sit around and enjoy the sun.

Kitchen genius

Well, I have so many things to write about, but I'll start with the title of this post. Maybe add the pics later. My cooking genius mostly manifests itself when I have to improvise.Yesterday I wanted to make chicken soup with plenty of vegetables, but I couldn't find everything I needed. therefore, I decided on the good old chicken noodle soup, because I was sure I had some homemade noodles somewhere around the house. Well, turns out I didn't. So when the chicken broth was done, I decided to improvise. The meat I set aside anyway (the skin and bones went to the neighbourhood kitties) for the tikka, as well as a cup of broth. The rest of it became a super hot and spicy Chinese noodle soup. As I thought I might as well use those instead of my grandma's missing noodles, I also found some freeze-dried Asian seasoning and some other dried veggies  I boiled for a few minutes. I then added the noodles and went crazy with the Sichuan pepper :P Also, I used two spoons of tomato juice and one of soy sauce and ta-daaam! Super soup to the rescue!
Now, getting back to the news, I'm almost certainly going to Serbia in the beginning of April, to the International Romanian Journalists' Forum annual meeting. However, I won't be attending the EspaNet social policy workshop in June. It's pretty late to look for summer schools now, but I'll keep an eye open for the conferences in the autumn. So at least I'm traveling this year :D
On Tuesday I went to see Ionesco's The Bald Soprano at the National Theatre. As it happens sometimes with books, I only liked it after I left. I did enjoy it, but while I was in the theatre, I couldn't help feeling a bit uncomfortable, for some reason. I actually have lines from the play ringing in my head all day ever since, so I guess it did the trick. I'm sorry I'm not a good reviewer, I am too sensorial about my experiences sometimes. Then, yesterday, I went to the Vaya con Dios concert. I feel like I'm repeating these words, but my general impression was the venue was highly inappropriate. That specific concert should have happened with a maybe 200 people audience, in a fancier setting, because the band was definitely more of a jazz ensemble to me and the atmosphere should have been one of intimacy, considering their songs. Dani Klein's voice was made, indeed, for dimly lit concert halls, where you're close to the stage and can enjoy it to its full extent, but I was still impressed by her standing after all this time.
I can't wait to make my appointment for a new tattoo, but I think I'll do that next week. I'm happy to have found an artist whose work matches my idea of old style and I hope it'll come out better than I can imagine, it happened the same way with my first two. I'll be writing about it once it's done, so don't stray too far ;)

Baking Sunday I: Brownie

I know I've already posted my spicy muffins recipe, but this is the first episode of Baking Sunday, a day I will reserve for sweet and salty treats and, hopefully, share them here. This week I made brownies, it's been on my mind for quite some time. I picked an easy recipe and they came out perfect!
So here it is: I melted about 160 g of black vanilla chocolate with 150 g of butter over bain marie. When the chocolate mix was homogeneous, I set it aside to cool a little. Then, with the hand mixer, I beat 2 eggs with 1/2 cup of brown sugar until the latter was completely dissolved and the consistency was that of a milkshake. I then added the chocolate mix and incorporated it. 1/2 cup of flour and about 30 g of cocoa were then sifted over it and incorporated as well. As soon as the batter became homogeneous I put it in a tray covered in baking paper. It went in the oven for 30 minutes and voila! Habemus brownies. My first intention was to glaze them. But they are perfect and I feel no further decoration is needed: soft on the inside and a bit crumbly on the outside. I had my first bite while it was still hot, but after it cooled down, I served it with some bits of pomelo and whipped cream on the side :)