Birthday girl!

I'm turning 26 in a couple of days. I'm 26 and the world can't miss a single opportunity to make me feel like a little girl every day. There's chores and readings piling up, there's people I need to deal with, there's aging I start to worry about, and there's a huge black hole where my future plans should be. And still, I eat chocolate for breakfast, I sing to myself on the street, I wear age inappropriate clothing and my bed sheets have bears at a country fair on them.
And because I am a little girl at heart, I demand presents, tons and tons of them, for my birthday! I want a picnic and I want cake and I want people to tell me I'm still so young. I've been thinking about a wishlist. This is my wishlist and everything here is things I want to buy for myself, but cannot afford to yet or cannot find them anymore. So here it is.

1. Unif Hellbounds

These shoes look so wicked and have such great reviews in terms of comfort, I couldn't stop thinking about them for weeks now. The platform is huge, but there is barely any arching, so they're made in order to never be taken off. I wouldn't :D

2. Kindle Wi-Fi

Every time I get near a Kindle I skip a breath. You people know my bookworm addictions and now that I have this huge collection of Kindle books on my laptop, that I read on the smart phone's screen, all I want is a really good e-book reader, one that does not reflect light, gives me the opportunity to store and categorize my library and is slick and beautiful, just like the Kidle.

3. Moschino I Love Love

After working for almost a year in a perfumery (as a L'Oreal beauty adviser), I've tried virtually every fragrance there was on the market at the time. Though I had love for a Versace and maybe a Hugo Boss, I hearted Moschino's Cheap and Chic collection most, out of which I declared I Love Love to be my favorite perfume yet. It's fresh and fruity, but light and adorable. However, I've always seemed to find a reason not to buy it, although it is one of the fragrances in the medium priced category. Soon, very soon :P

4. Movie reviewer's notebook

I saw this a couple of weeks ago and I heart it so much. I seemed quite expensive, so I didn't get it, but my heart seems to have become set on it. It's a notebook I found in Carturesti, in the gift thingies area. It's a hardback spiral bound red and something notebook, with a monopoly man on the cover, and has sections for making lists of films to see, for writing reviews and for making personal tops. I wish I got it then. If I can spare some time, I'll hop on a bus and go looking for it this very week.

5. Graphic novels

Can't explain why I never bought Persepolis, as every time I walk into a library that has it, I want to walk out with it in hand. It's not that I was crazy about the film, although I did enjoy it a lot, but the story in itself and Satrapi's bittersweet humor and insights into what women's personal "hidden" lives are like sold  me instantly.

This one my boyfriend wanted to get me, but I said no, as we needed to save every penny for upcoming concert trips. Still, the more I read about it, the more it puzzles me and, as a blooming fan of writing about social change and recent history through graphic novels, it is definitely going on my list.

6. Baking stuff

My list seems to be populated with things I can get, I should get, but always find an excuse not to. In the case of muffin trays, it's the sizes that throw me off. I own some silicone shapes I use when baking and they come in three sizes, so I never have to worry. The tray, though, it's either super large or super small. I yet have to find the right one or buy them all. I'm also thinking about buying a tart tray, as it's a super fruity season and they are virtually some of the easiest things to bake and ornate, except for sponge cake. Sponge cake is entry level and my mom gave me a tray for that the day I moved out :) And in order to fulfill my baking dreams, I definitely need to get a large bowl to mix batter in. My mom has two of the huge Tupperware collection, so maybe I'll starve for a week and get me one of those. Or just a stainless steel one from Ikea I saw downtown a while ago.

7. Even more Tarot cards!

 

The Book Depository had a sale on some super lovely Tarot cards with baroque cats. Yes, that's right. It sounds insane, but they are totally adorable! It's kind of expensive right now, so maybe I'll wait a while. It would make the fourth or fifth of my card sets. I already own a silly Great Trumps set with cats in love, but I'd like myself some full-sized feline Tarot, to make my card studying more fun and have the cards purr me stories.

Yep. That's my crazy current wishlist. Most of all, though, I'd like to get fit, stay healthy, get plenty of rest and create the physical conditions to work at full speed and enjoy what I have thoroughly. Lately I've been overworked, overtired, and quite ill, and I feel like people around me don't get to enjoy the real me, but a zombie or jumpy me, constantly complaining and in the mood for nothing. So here's to a good healthy summer and happy times!

Dear April,

You may take all your grey days in this grey city and shove it up... whatever. I can hardly wait for green, never ending green and grass that waves under the wind. I want blue to meet this green and I want to feel the sun almost burn my skin  and hear the millions of bugs around me as I sit in a hammock with a good book. So screw you, April, with your thunderstorms and religious holidays and your false hopes for rebirth, when all you gave me was a slight depression. I'm heading towards shorts and straw hats, lemonades in the shade and ice cream whenever the hell I want to, towards the end of this damn semester and no more gloomy afternoons. I'm writing to say goodbye, April, as you were bound to hit the road anyway. But see you next year, and please bring flowers and hypnotically fresh air next time, instead of Thursdays I can hardly get out of bed.

Rewind. Play

It's Easter morning and the cat is purring next to me in bed. Some seconds ago she yawned and meowed at the same time and it was so adorable I almost grew some sympathy for those crazy mothers who post tons of pictures of their babies on the internet. Caring for and nurturing another creature makes us better people and I hear it also helps fighting depression.
I haven't written here in quite a while, although I promised myself I would every week. Eventually, I got a push when I saw my friend's post on Mischievous Sweethearts, our blog that's been asleep for an year or so. Some things have changed since then, many have remained gloriously the same. I got in for PhD and last semester I taught the seminars to Introduction to Sociology, while this semester I'm doing Statistics and Social Policy. It's pretty much easier than I imagined and I really like teaching, although I always had my doubts about that. I haven't really been to my classes, as they overlap with the teaching, but there's time to catch up.
My baby boy and I, hopefully joined by many friends, are going to quite a bunch of concerts this summer. That list I had in my head when I was in high school of the bands I desperately wanted to see will almost be completely crossed over! Cool thing is the Transilvania Tattoo Expo falls right in between the festivals we already got tickets to, so June is going to be a blast for me. I love it we get to have so much fun together and I can almost touch the awesome summer coming our way.
Oh, what else? I've been cooking this and that, but not nearly as much as I wish to. However, I'm training to become a muffin master. Cupcakes will be the next natural step and in-between, I might try sponge cakes as well, my grandma's specialty. I always thought baking was hard and not fun at all, since I've always been more of a souffle and casserole kind of home chef. But we get along just fine, cake batters and me. I know I've said I'll be posting recipes tens of times, but maybe one day I can curve my excitement while cooking and take some pics and notes.
I have a new photo blog as well, I only started a month ago. The idea was to post a photo every day of something that made my day better. I've already slacked off a couple of times, but I keep posting and that's a good sign. So I'll make a couple of banners here with links to Mischievous and my Tumblr blog. Other than that... There's plenty of time to write, I guess, I just find excuses to spend my time watching TV shows and reading A Song of Ice and Fire as if it were "crack on paper".

Game of Thrones high

"I learned that I'll never win. Not that way. That's their game. Their rules. I'm not going to fight them. I'm going to fuck them. That's what I know. That's what I am. And only by admitting what we are can we get what we want."

Petyr Baelish

Pfff

I'm bored out of my mind. And I know only boring people get bored, but I just don't care anymore. Mostly I'm bored because I'm too lazy to do anything, or it could be I no longer find anything exciting enough to be worth me getting out of bed for. I listened to Carmen but I already know most of it. I cooked some spicy stuff, but I'm no longer impressed with my kitchen skills. I browsed around ebay and couldn't find anything to spend more money on. The stuff I do have to do, like write an email to my professor or finish my huge reporting piece, well, they scare and bore me at the same time. I don't know what I want to do with my time. Maybe I'm a bit lonely. Maybe love has made me soft and sort of clingy. I don't like myself like I used to and I give more fucks than I used to. I try to repeat mantras in my head. Telling myself only I can choose to be happy, that I have no real problems and they're all in my head. But at least worrying makes me feel alive. Whereas this dull happiness I'm experiencing lately may just as well be a symptom of depression. I have no big plan and I'm not part of anything great. I can't live like this anymore and yet I can't move a finger. I know life eventually pushes me into stuff. I'll get to some redecorating one of these days and I'll hopefully get in for PhD. I'll keep waking up each morning, going to work, going, going, going, when all I want is to sit still and stare at the wall. The Two of Spades is all about how I feel right now. That inertia. That lack of purpose and real drive. Love yanks me out of it from time to time, it's an occasional oasis in the desert I get lost in every day around my head. But until I let it rain, I will not find the path, for the desert swallows any footstep or direction sign.

Diary lines

Funny how I keep revolving around the same things when I'm writing. It's the last day of summer (again) and I'm planning (again) to start writing more about what I do than what I feel. Like recipes. And movies, books, concerts. Travel. Whatever. Thing is when these things happen I'm too busy to write about it. When I sit in front of the posting screen I'm usually trying to pull out of me stuff I don't wanna annoy my friends on the phone about. The internet is my confessional. But maybe I will. Maybe I'll learn to share opinions without trying to keep it on safe grounds, maybe I'll be the queen of my castle and just not give a damn.
I'm pretty bored right now, although there's plenty of work waiting for me. I've got articles and letters to write and things to plan out. I might be applying for a social worker job in a mental hospital. I may not make it to PhD, as none of the details for the exam have been announced yet. I spent my day doing field work and housework and in between I watched a couple Sailor Moon episodes. I meditated over how now I'm a highly functioning adult. I submitted an application for the youth housing program of the local administration. I a few years, I might get to buy a place of my own at a really low price. And I even have my eyes on a housing project they just came up with. Granted it gets to be done.
A highly functioning adult, all right. I'm dieting (one thing I once promised myself I would never do) and keeping myself away from booze this autumn. However, friends keep calling to plan out a bar hopping session for this weekend. The safe bet would be to go to the mountains with my folks. Cheaper, healthier and tailored for the peace of my mind. I got some Steinbeck novels from the flea market, I'd love myself a lazy afternoon in the hammock with those. What to do?
I miss school. I've been attending education institutions since I was three. Back to school is the synonym of fresh starts for me, it's a do over, it's my brain's equivalent to what spring is to my body. I know it's a bit dull that my rhythms have been dictated by such conventional schedules. I've never seen school like a brainwashing machine because I've been changing schools every few years. This way I met so many kids and so many teachers, so many ways of seeing the world. Having the best of those share their personal wonders with me was worth sitting in a bench and keeping quiet. Being a non-conformist didn't have that much weight for me, since I've been an outsider all along. I didn't do things just to piss people off or to make them notice me. I did things because I wanted to. So I was a nice girl when I wanted to and I was a blabbermouth drunk just as well. But I've always been a good student. And that was maybe one of the things I partially did to stand out and not just because I liked it. I value education and knowledge and I'd rather like these to be the criteria people judge me on than appearance or the stupid things I do at times.

I never learn

Feeling good was good enough for me once. But lately I find myself in a damn weird place. The only thing that gets my blood running is worrying. Not excitement. And I want to be excited. I want to be excited about my love and I want to be excited about my work. But all I do is get angry and worry. I don't even miss anyone anymore. I just worry the fragile equilibrium I'm relying on for now won't last. I worry I made bad choices. I worry I settled for less. I worry I betrayed myself. No excitement whatsoever.
Is this how it's supposed to be? Yesterday a guy dropped by our office to tell me more about his expedition in the Himalayas and as I listened to him I kept wondering if I was ever that passionate about anything. And then. And then I met this girl I knew and she asked me about my plans and I started talking about wanting to apply to PhD and the kind of research I want to be involved in. And as I walked away I had the grin on my face. That was it. That was my thing. It was what made me sound just like that guy. It wasn't love and it wasn't home design. It was my academic interest that spurred my excitement. It was the only thing that got my blood rushing in a long time. It's what I've always wanted. And I'm not going to dumb myself down for anyone. I'm going on on that path. If they don't want me, I'll go elsewhere. For me study and research were not just steps in my career. They were it, what I wanted to do, what made me tick.
And still, what do I worry about all day? Is that shirt going to match those jeans? Why hasn't he called yet? Am I going to be done with that article by the end of the day? When all this is supposed to be just background noise. I gave up on myself. But I just pray to goddess this fall I'll get the nerve to pick myself up and go where I belong. In an environment where I can grow. Learn. And be me.