Miserable

"I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people." Meredith Grey

Today I accidentally set my clock one hour ahead and that little thing eventually led me to learn something so obvious about myself. I'm a mean angry person. I don't miss one chance to yell at people. I swear a lot. I bash others when they're not around. And all that because I'm so miserable. Not unhappy. It's as if I even forgot about being happy. Yes, I am contempt. And I have moments of total bliss. But I'm annoyed by any tiny criticism. By any person who doesn't meet my expectations. As if I had such high standards. Truth is I have them for myself. And they're stupid and part of why I'm so miserable. I need to let go and I need to cut myself some slack. One of these days I'll bake myself some muffins. And some other day I'll assume everyone likes me and they're just as miserable as I used to be.
Maybe being nurturing and having a living soul to make me smile will do the trick. The kitty I'm adopting is coming in today. She's a little black kitten rescued from a car wash where she ended up after climbing in a car and getting stuck in the engine. I wanna name her Olga and I really hope she grows to love me. I got her toys and baby cat food and all the other stuff she'll need. I'm already thinking of a Christmas present. It's going to be some sort of hammock to put on the radiator. Oh, I can't wait to see her!

Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.

I've started watching How I Met Your Mother and it's been cheering me up a lot. I guess I kinda see myself right now in Ted. I just watched this episode where it said nothing good happens after 2 a.m. Truth is, I gotta agree with that. I used to be a chick who didn't wanna miss one night out. And the kind who doesn't wanna go home after 2 a.m. So now my memories of pretty fun nights are all perverted by memories of bad mornings. I was either sick because of the smoke and the lack of sleep, I was either at some friend's place without a toothbrush and clothes to change or I was just trying to figure out why I didn't go home earlier that night. Thinking about exceptions from the rule a night came to my mind. When this guy I liked for a long time finally met me and seemed to be swept away. Turns out I should have gone home before he shook my hand. Wasted a lot of time waiting for him to come around and make up his mind. He never did. Instead, he even enforced a string of bad after 2 a.m. decisions. Was it fun? I guess it was. But it was like a drug. I thought it was recreational and it ended up messing up a lot of things in my life.
However, I've had worse nights. I do need new memories. Memories of all the places in this city in which I'm just having innocent fun with the friends who really matter. Memories of bright colors and pretty outfits. Of music I can sing along and people who can have enriching conversation. Of waking up in my bed well-rested and toast some bread and smell the tea while smiling about the night before. I don't need wild to have fun anymore. I need cozy.

Summer's out

Here goes yet another summer. Now it's the time to think about how the next summer will be better and how I'll manage to save up to do something exciting. But the truth is I had the resources, I just didn't have anyone to go away with. Anyway. This summer sucked more than the one before, when I at least went to summer school and traveled a little around Budapest and then went up to the mountains. This summer I only got a weekend at the baths, one in Harghita and one in Sighisoara. Basically, stuff I could've done in any season anyway. My days off from work were spent helping my family - visiting my uncle when he underwent surgery and then helping my grandparents with the harvest. I spent most time doing nothing and I didn't even feel bored or lonely.
In a way, autumn is good because it pushes me to start working. I have to take my exams this week and then I have to finish the research. I'll hate the cold and I'll soon be exhausted. I'm now used to eating lots of times a day and sleeping over ten hours. I have to get to a few low carb meals and six hours of sleep. Otherwise, I'll just keep doing as little as possible and always at the last minute. I know myself, when I indulge, I do it thoroughly.
I've been spending this last year freaked out about not knowing what I want to do with my life. But now I'll just stick to creating options for myself. Being more involved with the academics, but keeping an eye on the labor market. Applying to PhDs and looking for better jobs. It may not come fast and easy and I'm ready to wait for it. I just don't want to be stuck anymore. I'm also improving my abilities to commit. I'm adopting a kitten, she should be with me in about two weeks. I feel that maybe I haven't been as nurturing towards others as I used to be and maybe I am intimidating or at least awkward to people who meet me.
So I hope I'll start writing about things more interesting than myself soon, I should start a diary and stop whining online. But for now, it feels better to catch up with myself and I guess there are people out there who'd like that too.

On the Road

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but, burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."

Light summer readings

For my birthday I got a copy of Sex and the City, Candance Bushnell's book. It's terribly bad written, but I enjoyed reading it. I laughed quite a lot and was constantly comparing the stories and characters to those in the HBO series. I guess Carrie's character is pretty much the same: a young writer and socialite always looking for fun and love. The other characters are kinda missing, except for Stanford Blatch, maybe. Samantha Jones is this producer who's sleeping around while dreaming of a monogamous relationship. Charlotte and Miranda may have appeared under other names, but they were just passing by. I appreciated there was more sex talk from men's perspectives and really hated all the drug references. In Bushnell's New York almost everyone was doing drugs. Mr. Big and Carrie make a yucky couple in the book, I'm not even sure why. They just have shitty drama going on. So I recommend it to the aficionados but I'm not sure about the profane. Maybe with a fresh eye it could actually be an interesting read.

I also had in my bag a book by Frederic Beigbeder. I can't really grasp the English translation, so I'll just leave it to that. Fun book as well. This one's about a French male socialite and his crazy adventures until he finds real love. The guy has a gang of other wacky rich kids and they attend all sorts of high-end parties that eventually turn into chaotic cake-throwing bashes. At first he has this girlfriend, Victorie, who's rich and has been living with him for a while. But at some point he meets this fair lady Anne and does his best to get rid of the old model. Of course, Victorie eventually marries his best friend. The tale of his emotions while he's courting Anne is endearing. Eventually they reach that lovely routine only passionate couples can live in, when doing even the smallest things together feels like a celebration. So I vote for Beigbeder's book. As a European male, his Marc Marronnier shows much more trust in the capacities of love to bring about change than the oversexed characters of Sex and the City.

Emotional rapists

So I wonder which nice guy is asking me out tonight. You know those guys. Good on paper, nice job, fairly cute, warm and kind. I've come to the conclusion I wanna swing a bat at their heads most times. Because they are emotional rapists. They usually trick me into giving them some contact details to keep in touch, cause I'm such a fun person to talk to. First clue: they feed on your ego. Then they have some thing they wanna do with me. Just me. Cause it would be so nice, I should go. I try to say no in a non-hurtful way. Because they seem so fragile. So they insist. Over and over again. That's kinda the second clue: you don't even get to think they're desperate, you're too caught up in finding new ways to say no. And once they do get it, it's time for the guilt trip. Oh, that's the worst part of them all. They either don't do that thing without you and stay at home sad and alone, or they do it but tell you how less fun it was without you there. It all seems natural, I know. But I call them rapists for a reason. Their endeavor is violent at the subconscious level. They lift you up with flattery and then put you down cause you don't act according to expectations. They make me feel like, against my will, I was part of a story that's all in their heads and somehow I'm the one who gets to feel guilty about their miserable lives.
Oh, but if you do say yes, all hell breaks loose. They'll smother you and care for you and all that. And it's probably fun. People ask what's with girls running after the bad boys all the time. Well, let me tell you something. The nice guys, apart from totally wrecking your head with their insecurities and always checking up on you, are most likely to lie. Cause they don't want you to ever be upset with them. So they lie about the little things. And one lie leads to another and so on. Then they project their own behavior on you and there goes jealousy. Thank you very much, good boys are too much of a drama for me.

On the road again

I don't even know what I wanna say about my weekend at the bikers' reunion. I had times I felt I didn't belong there, but I guess a party is a party and it's not just for those who throw it. Late Thursday night I get a message from the babe asking me if it's crazy to just go the next day over to this reunion so she can surprise her boyfriend. And I thought 'meh' and went back to sleep.
But I woke up asking myself why the hell not. So I went to work, hurried with the articles and early afternoon we were out hitchhiking. It didn't take a minute before a truck picked us up. He was a nice fellow and being on the road was so refreshing. After that a younger guy coming from Germany took us another bit of the way and then a guy who lives nearby the town we were headed to.
Whatever. So we were there. We found the people to hang with. Had a few beers. I had some kind of cheap liquor, I almost danced but hardly kept my balance. I know we walked around all night, but can't really remember the order of events.
Anyhow, the next day I was bored or sleepy or something. I didn't even have an appetite, but we went to lunch to this nearby restaurant. The potatoes were too salty and I couldn't eat my chicken. So then I just had some cotton candy and went to sleep. I finally got back to beer and we had a laugh and I made a daisy wreath. There was a concert of some Hungarian metal band and I got lost for a while and that's about it. Cause we all went to bed early. There was this guy in our room snoring like a truck. We left early in the morning with some friends' car. When I got back here I felt I was gonna suffocate. In all possible ways.
So all in all, it was a fun trip. I met a lot of people I'll probably not be seeing again, but the point is I got out of this concrete jail for a while. And yes, I've been leaving all the fun stuff aside, but that's mine to keep.