Swollen

I slept for ten straight hours and woke up with a swollen face and some swollen sinuses. Also, tired like a mill horse and permanently on a mental screen saver. We'll be working on four newspapers this couple of days, so I might be incomunicado. All I want is for everything to turn out fine so that I can finally have my vacation. A ten day vacation! They say it's gonna rain, but I don't give a damn. I need some regrouping, resetting and time out of the city. I know I always say I need to get my shit together. Repeated trials may eventually lead to success. I bought Palahniuk's Phoenix from Amazon and I already know how I'm spending today's free time, except for sleeping and eating crazy things, of course. Here's something to brighten your morning to the dim level mine is lit.

You know what? You never know.

I wrote this for Mischievous Sweethearts, but I've been thinking about it a few days now.

I'm writing this while drunk on shame wine and soapy radio. I don't even know if soapy is a word, but I don't remember the right one. Anyhow. I've been told a week and so ago that being alone for so long is just not natural. Fine, that liking being alone so much isn't natural. And it's been obsessing me ever since. So now I'm clearing it up.
I'm fine. Really. I love watching movies on my own. I love going to the theater all alone. I love my time with the cat at home, reading, cooking and baking mischief. I love my job, my education and my family. Chill. I won't die without a man by my side. I love them men. They make amazing friends, lovers and puzzles. But they're not obligatory. There's not that much room in my bed. All I need is great conversation and pretty sporadic sex.
The thing is. I've been promising myself the next penis I offer more than action time to will be owned by a man I can see as an equal and a partner. But at the same time, I'm not willing to give up on the exciting times that come with meeting extraordinarily talented boys. I believe in them saving the world one word, song or play at the time. And maybe they need a push (or more, if you know what I mean) and I'm the girl for the job. Or not. I'm  making a retarded groupie joke. What I mean is I won't give up on the prospective fascinating passion stories, be them romantic or gothic.
But I won't be looking for them. I don't even know why I need to explain this, but have you ever imagined what the men in my books and movies can do? What the men in my songs tell me? Are they any different from the ephemeral love real men can offer me? I can buy my own wine and create my own handmade orgasms, thankyouverymuch. What I want to see is extra quality. I need dream makers and dream catchers. I need shameless impossible to keep pace with men. I want breathlessness and piercing brains. I must have mindblowind indescribable pleasure. Why would I settle? It's not like it's gonna get any better otherwise. I require euphoria!

Baking Sunday III: Strawberry tart

It wasn't actually Sunday, but I'm using the generic title :) This Saturday, I was coming from the pool and stopped to buy some strawberries, as I've seen them everywhere lately and took a chance to give them a try. Tasteless, of course, because the local sorts have not grown yet. So, as I wasn't going to get much pleasure from eating them, I decided to make a tart, to at least use their aesthetic potential.
The pastry base was a personally adapted sponge cake, which turned out perfect. I used three yolks and a spoon of water, which I beat with five spoons of brown sugar until it had the consistency of cream. Four egg whites were beaten with a knife tip of salt and a teaspoon of vanilla sugar. I then mixed the two manually, being careful to keep the airy texture. Added five spoons of flour and a bit of baking powder and put everything in the oven for half an hour. I was very excited to use my new tart tray, which is indeed non-stick and did its job perfectly.
I then had a little accident, as I was trying to warm a ready-made chocolate glaze in the microwave. 20 seconds in it got burned and the plastic cover made the whole house stink for hours. But I imediatelly got myself together and made another glaze out of cooking chocolate and butter, which I melted and mixed over bain-marie. I used about 100 g of each. Since I didn't want to wait much for the glaze to get a little thicker, I set it on the cake and then covered the outer part with strawberries cut in half. In the middle I sprinkled some almonds I cut roughly on the spot. As the glaze was still very hot, it mostly gathered in the middle of the cake and the butter raised to the top. That is why after half an hour in the fridge, the middle was white and everything was better than expected! I took half of it to my parents', who are regular cake eaters, as my mum is a very passionate cook and baker. I've already picked the recipes for May. This week, I'll just stick with some basic vegetarian recipes, because I don't have time or energy for anything fancy.

A personal brand of ecstasy

I'm back. And I must admit that my absence was due to a long period of lazyness combined with continuous sleazy partying. It's not that I haven't been doing anything, I've just been doing a lot of bad things. But I know how it goes, it's ups and downs and I'm feeling an upward trend is on, so I want to keep growing.
But here are the highlights. Bear with me, I know this is annoying, but I need to keep track of myself in writing. The trip to Serbia was great. I keep joking about the fact that for the first time in my life I felt like an Italian cherrybomb actress who's surrounded by lighters before she even takes the cigarette to her mouth. I went there with the group from the local department of the national television. They were most galant and fun to be around. The trip by car was beautiful, it went from rain to snow in the mountains and sun along the Danube. At the forum I got to meet a few cool fellow journalists and learn a lot. I presented a paper on networking for journalists and the new media. Donji Milanovac, where we were staying, is a nice quiet small town right along the Danube and I loved the sights. The only thing I did not like generally is the food, but I survived. I'm really glad I got to be a part of this and I hope it opened up new opportunities for me.
When I got back the crazy partying began. I guess it's because I was tired and stressed out. It's only been three nights, but it feels like I lost two weeks. However, that first week, I got to go to a box sparring and a book launch, things that were equally new to me. I generally avoided book launches because I only care for talks about books I've read already. It's a weird thing, I know. Last Sunday, just like today, I went out walking/hiking with my parents. At least somebody is willing to get out of the city and into the green, cause I long for it every day.

Talking of longing, I had a terrible time on Friday. I was tired, someone yelled at me, I had an anxiety atack, and by the time I was done with work, I was a wreck. But I felt a bit of hope as I realized I got out in time to go see a play I've had my heart set on for months (Zenobia). As I was walking towards the theatre, I wasn't feeling broken or empty, there was just a crazy storm inside of me, that pushed from the inside. Unfortunately, they didn't have any more tickets, but I got some for yesterday (La rascruce de vanturi). I can't really comment on the play, it gave me mixed feelings, like most do. At times I enjoyed it, at other times I just wanted to leave. But then something happened. I woke up obsessed, with a special kind of high. And I've been thinking about it all morning. I've also been thinking about this indescribable feeling I get at the theatre. It's not the storytelling, and it's not so much the acting. I imagine this is what the true believers feel like in church. A sense of communion, of feeding on blood and body, of both catharsis and revelation. I've always believed this kind of hysteria comes from the running energies and I can see why in that hall, in the dark, they get stronger and stronger. It must be the best rush in the world to be on that stage.

I'm out

"I'm having a terrible day. It's snowing in March, I have a hell of a cold and I hate my hair. And I've been thinking a lot lately (despite my fever) about things I've written about before. Such as the things I believe in and whether and how I stand for them"... is what I was writing this Wednesday. And then I just stopped because I was going to get all preachy and write things I might delete later. Maybe some other time, when I don't begin my post whining.

In another line of thought, I feel like I've been all out partying lately. I went beering with the boss on Monday, a colleague and then the babe on Thursday, to a concert on Friday and then another one on Saturday. I know it's a walk in the park for people around me, but for me it's a lot. I'm a stay at home read a book kind of girl. Speaking of which, I just had to buy Rushdie's Midnight Children. I savor it one page at the time and can't wait to share the joy. The concerts were nice. The black metal gig was part sad part funny, but that's just me. Anyhow, I had a good time, I felt more at home than in those stuck up joints we always go to. The one on Saturday, those boys were bluesing right down my alley. I don't know if it's a verb or a thing, but I liked it. I also went dancing and I have to thank a very dear friend for sticking with me the whole night and telling me enchanting stories about Star Wars. That same Saturday we were at the rugby match. We lost. My favorite player was not even in the field and we got stupidly outplayed by two essays in like 5 minutes. However, I can't wait for the next one. Yesterday I cut work to go to the movies. I watched Oz the Great and Powerful alongside 100 children. It was amazing! The audience can really make a movie more watchable. I would have bitched, but their amazement made the film a wonderful experience for me.
So this week I'm leaving for Serbia. When I'm back I have a lot of shit to do, like an appointment at the tattoo parlor, signing some contracts, attending some conferences and even more plays and concerts! Not to mention I have a new swimming buddy and as soon as the rain stops, I'm taking the bike out on the hills. I also have to buy some daffodils. But whatever, I'll be writing from Serbia, I hope, where a whole bunch of us journalists will be networking. But about that last thing, some other time.