Miserable

"I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can't be around normal people, like I'll infect the happy people." Meredith Grey

Today I accidentally set my clock one hour ahead and that little thing eventually led me to learn something so obvious about myself. I'm a mean angry person. I don't miss one chance to yell at people. I swear a lot. I bash others when they're not around. And all that because I'm so miserable. Not unhappy. It's as if I even forgot about being happy. Yes, I am contempt. And I have moments of total bliss. But I'm annoyed by any tiny criticism. By any person who doesn't meet my expectations. As if I had such high standards. Truth is I have them for myself. And they're stupid and part of why I'm so miserable. I need to let go and I need to cut myself some slack. One of these days I'll bake myself some muffins. And some other day I'll assume everyone likes me and they're just as miserable as I used to be.
Maybe being nurturing and having a living soul to make me smile will do the trick. The kitty I'm adopting is coming in today. She's a little black kitten rescued from a car wash where she ended up after climbing in a car and getting stuck in the engine. I wanna name her Olga and I really hope she grows to love me. I got her toys and baby cat food and all the other stuff she'll need. I'm already thinking of a Christmas present. It's going to be some sort of hammock to put on the radiator. Oh, I can't wait to see her!

Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.

I've started watching How I Met Your Mother and it's been cheering me up a lot. I guess I kinda see myself right now in Ted. I just watched this episode where it said nothing good happens after 2 a.m. Truth is, I gotta agree with that. I used to be a chick who didn't wanna miss one night out. And the kind who doesn't wanna go home after 2 a.m. So now my memories of pretty fun nights are all perverted by memories of bad mornings. I was either sick because of the smoke and the lack of sleep, I was either at some friend's place without a toothbrush and clothes to change or I was just trying to figure out why I didn't go home earlier that night. Thinking about exceptions from the rule a night came to my mind. When this guy I liked for a long time finally met me and seemed to be swept away. Turns out I should have gone home before he shook my hand. Wasted a lot of time waiting for him to come around and make up his mind. He never did. Instead, he even enforced a string of bad after 2 a.m. decisions. Was it fun? I guess it was. But it was like a drug. I thought it was recreational and it ended up messing up a lot of things in my life.
However, I've had worse nights. I do need new memories. Memories of all the places in this city in which I'm just having innocent fun with the friends who really matter. Memories of bright colors and pretty outfits. Of music I can sing along and people who can have enriching conversation. Of waking up in my bed well-rested and toast some bread and smell the tea while smiling about the night before. I don't need wild to have fun anymore. I need cozy.